July 2, 2018

Today, Trump:

Successfully Bribed a Supreme Court Judge Into Retirement

It was an offer Justice Kennedy couldn’t refuse.

Realized the Significance of Midterms

Things are going to get very complicated very soon.

Was Informed of Cohen’s Impending Betrayal

Right on time.

Received a Slap-Down on Immigration Policy

A federal judge ruled that asylum procedures violate Homeland Security.

Refused to Lower Flags in Honor of Murdered Staffers

‘Enemy of the State’ press received no official honors from the White House after the Capital Gazette slaughter.

Lied About the Auto Industry

Again.

Pimped Out Melania

Her safe-word was ‘positive coverage only.’

And Still Kept Kids in Cages

Because everything is horrible.