February 18, 2019

This Monday, Trump:

Threatened Venezuelan Humanitarian Aid

In an effort to dictate their domestic politics.

Bravely Guided America Through a National Emergency

Just kidding! He played golf at his resort all weekend!

Faced Lawsuits in Sixteen States

For his fake declaration.

Couldn’t Save Coal

Because like the Trump name, it’s toxic.

Got Smacked Down on Twitter by R.E.M

Adding to an ever-growing list of things no political journalist should ever have to write.

Continued to Employ Stephen Miller

Senior White House Advisor and festering rectal pustule, Stephen Miller, continued to ooze though the halls of the Oval Office despite being the actual human embodiment of..Stephen Miller.

Called BMWs a Security Threat

Which would be funny if it wasn’t detrimental to global trade.

Got Down with Nepotism

Again.

And Still Kept Kids in Cages

Because money.